To The Honorable Michael Moore

April 12th, 2009


Subministry of Documentaries
Ministry Of Film
Department of the Interior
United States Government
111 Ave J
Washington, DC 20001

Dear Mr. Moore -

Following the elections last year, we were very happy to hear you declare that "Capitalism is dead" and "good riddance to it". As you may know, your views are very much represented by the American people, who let their voices be heard with the election of Barack Obama and the glorious gains of the Democratic Party in the congressional elections.

Here at the Subministry of Documentaries, we are committed to nonfictional films of the highest quality, and look forward to supporting your efforts to bring your films to the American people, and to the world. Of course, there are guidelines to ensure not only the quality of the product, but the equality of the production!

The Department of Labor stands ready to assist you in all aspects of hiring for your new productions. There are a few matters that need to be cleared up beforehand, discretely we hope, on this point. Our records show that you have not employed Union labor in the production of any of your previous films, and in fact have actively suppressed such involvement in the past. The Interior Ministry also has a file on some incidents involving Workplace Harassment on the set of your productions, and are concerned about other reports that you refused to provide benefits to your workers. We're sure these are all just misunderstandings, but going forward, the Labor Department will be assigning workers to all positions - pre and post production - with the exception of those titles you reserve for yourself. You'll also benefit from an initiative of the new Obama administration called "Card Check". With this innovative policy, union officials will organize your employees into a union at NO COST to you!

Each production will require minimum hiring quotas in all facets of production. Now, we realize the creative challenges this might present depending on the subject matter, but there are numerous creative ways that this can be addressed! If, for example, your subject matter is about evil corporate chieftains, we realize the potential for controversy that might result were the parts for any of the evil corporate chieftains to be played by Persons Of Color, women, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgendered Persons, the Differentially Abled, Undocumented Migrant Workers, Union Workers or White/Anglo members of the Obama Youth Corp.

As you can see, indiscriminate hiring policies can be a veritable minefield of regulatory misconduct. In addition to the Promotion Of Ethnic Diversity Act of 2009, indiscriminate casting might also violate The People Of Colors Act, The Sexual Orientation Act, the Comparable Pay Act, The Animist Polyamory Act and the Persons Requiring Assistance Act, along with various recent Internal Revenue Service guideline revisions. We stand ready to help you avoid all of these conflicts!

One final note on labor practices: the new hiring guidelines allow you to singularly hold the position of Director or Writer, but not both. In light of the recent downturn in the economy, President Obama's call for America to "share the wealth" has been expanded to sensibly include all types of wealth, including royalties on the Creative Process. Co-Writers, Co-Directors and Co-producers will be assigned to you as necessary on all projects. At this point, Interior Department guidelines on the allocation of Academy Awards in all categories has not been completed. We apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause, but assure you that the issue will be resolved before nominations for the 2010 awards. The IRS is diligently working on the models to estimate the future value of all intellectual property as well as the impact of Awards and Honors on the value of said property so as to properly tax it in the future.

More good news! The U.S. government will help you market your movie! Having recently taken over the licensing of all commercial theaters in the United States and its territories, the Commerce Department can insure wide and fair distribution of your documentaries, and preferential distribution based on the subject matter! All advertising, marketing and promotion of your films will be handled by The Corporation For Public Broadcasting, whom as you know has a 50 year history in the production of documentaries. And those with ideological content are a particular specialty!

S.O.D. also stands ready to assist you in the funding of your projects! Unfortunately, private financing of documentaries is not allowed under the new "Fairness In Film" guidelines as set forth by the Federal Communications Commission under the expanded Fairness Doctrine implemented just last month. Building on the success and popularity of our Student Loan programs, the U.S. Government will finance 100% of your production. Of course, the newly implemented corporate income tax guidelines will apply. 50% of the gross will go a long way to financing President Obama's "Bottoms Up" approach to economic renewal. For the sake of clarification, that will be 50% of gross revenues, not gross profit.

During the campaign, Vice President Joe Biden put it very eloquently when he said that "paying more taxes is an act of Patriotism", and as a long time supporter, we are sure you'll agree, especially after the last eight years when Patriotism was defined as a willingness to support an unjust war that has killed millions of Iraqi citizens. Just a thought here, but what better subject matter for a filmmaker of your reputation! The Department of Justice stands ready to assist you in the initial draft of a script about the depravities of the Bush administration in the Middle East. We feel this is a very much unexploited territory, ripe for a treatment by an artist of such stature as yourself! We have taken the liberty of contracting with the esteemed Joe Wilson - diplomat extraordinaire - to be a consultant on the film, and the research will be invaluable to the DOJ should any additional crimes of the previous administration come to light.

With the involvement of so many Ministries providing support for your efforts, please know that all of their activities will be coordinated by the National Endowment of the Arts, recently transferred to the Department of the Interior. You have been a big supporter of their efforts in the past, and we are sure will continue to do so. The honorable Andres Serrano will chair the NEA, sends his best regards and is looking forward to meeting with you at your earliest convenience. As you know, he is the visionary creator of "Piss Christ", amongst many other artistic achievements. Prior to your meeting , he requests that you review and remark on his most recent photographic effort, "SHIT", as he highly values your opinion.

In conclusion, thank you so much for your enthusiastic support of the Administration, and the bold adventure in filmography that awaits!

Sincerely,

Maria Hardu-Belichick
Special Assistant To The Secretary
Subministry of Documentaries
Ministry Of Film
Depart of the Interior
United States Government