Joe Biden Eulogizes His Mother

Vice President Joe Biden's mother, Catherine Eugenia "Jean" Finnegan Biden, died yesterday at age 92 in Wilmington, Delaware.

Speaking to a lobbying group just hours before the funeral, tears shining in his eyes, Mr. Biden spoke of "the strength of the woman, her commitment to family, God and Country. I well remember the time I was mocked by a seventh-grade nun for my stuttering; an incident that sent mother to my school in a fury, my siblings in tow. She told the nun: 'If you ever speak to my son like that again, I'll come back and rip that bonnet off your head. Do you understand me?' The nun had a look in her eye like, 'message received', and I never had a problem after that. That was Mom!", Biden said, to the delight of the audience.

Later in the speech, Mr. Biden spoke of "the role Mom played in the coup that put Juan Peron in power in Argentina in 1943, when a young Joe Biden suggested she use her influence to avoid bloodshed in that troubled region. I told her: 'Mom-Mom, people will die unless we intervene', and she did. And contrary to historical reports", said Biden, "Mom not only brokered the deal, she was actually the subject of the song 'don't cry for me, Argentina', and not Eva Peron."

When a reporter asked how it was that he could have such a conversation with his Mother since Mr. Biden was only one year old when these events occurred, Mr. Biden said that "Now is hardly the time or place for such questions......We are requesting a respite from the 24 hour Fox News cycle, so that we can grieve for our mother, who also brought peace to Northern Ireland after I showed her a term paper on the subject. I got an A on the paper, the only student to receive such a high mark."

At the funeral service, VP Biden delivered the eulogy and spoke of his mother's numerous accomplishments, noting that "Mom was the first legitimate female candidate for the Presidency near the end of Harry Truman's first term, running on the rejuvenated Bull Moose Party Ticket, and Teddy Roosevelt himself encouraged Mom to run." He told the assembled throng, "I well remember how, after that chat, he looked at me and told my mother 'this boy has a bright future in the service of this great nation.....he will go far.'"

As he emerged from the church after the Eulogy, Vice President Biden was pressed by reporters in attendance to clarify his earlier remarks, since Teddy Roosevelt died in 1919, 32 years before the alleged conversation took place. Biden pleaded for "an end to the savage partisanship that provokes such questions", and asked reporters that "instead, they consider how much more his mother could have done in this world if only Health Care reform had been passed before Christmas." When he was reminded that his mother was 92, independently wealthy and tended to by a round-the-clock nursing staff, Biden responded by saying "The force is strong in my family. My mother had it, I have it........and my twin sister has it."

Biden was rushed into a limousine by Secret Service agents before he could answer any further questions.