The Art Of Tipping, Part I - The Rules

Among many other things, OffHisMeds considers himself to be an expert at Tipping. This is no mean feat, as there is no science to it, and varying standards around the country and around the world. For example, tipping in all of its forms is popular in the USA, while in many other countries, it is practiced nary at all. The reasons for not tipping vary, from a culture that simply doesn't promote tipping (Thailand), to a desire to be competitive for the World's travel dollar (Cruise Ships), to general cheapskatery (France). For whatever reason or reasons that America is so resonatingly different from the rest of the world on tipping, OffHisMeds considers this further proof of the concept of American Exceptionalism.

That is not an unmitigated virtue, by the way. OHM thinks Americans tip indiscriminately, albeit that our reasons for doing so are virtuous. In this most egalitarian of nations, the motivation to tip is good; the execution, though, frequently is not.

That said, what everybody has in common on tipping is an opinion, and we "experts" are simply people more ready to share that opinion than others. So, before we get down to the Nitty Gritty, let me offer one such opinion, which I call The Second Rule of Tipping: There is nothing sacred about a 15% tip. Now, before the Waitstaff Of America descend on me in an angry Virtual mob, I must explain that this observation cuts two ways: There's nothing that says you have to give 15%, and there's nothing that says you can't give more.

This brings us to The First Rule of Tipping: The tip must fit the service rendered. The most important favor you can do yourself is to think past the value of the service or the percentage of the tip, and focus instead on the money you're laying out. If you leave ten bucks, did you get ten bucks worth of service? If you leave fifty bucks, did you get fifty bucks worth of service? Remember, ten bucks is likely the average tip most folks leave to their paperboy (or person) for 365 days of paper delivery. Ten bucks is also frequently the tip for two at a middling-priced restaurant. That's one meal of service vs. one year of service.

Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

I've got a friend who relates all tipping back to a favored benchmark: a good blowjob, which he claims has a cash value of $50. He tells me that before he tips, he always asks himself this question: "Is this ten dollar tip as good as one fifth of a blowjob?" I've never bothered asking how he reached that conclusion and I'm a little disturbed at his value system, but the premise is solid: find any activity for which you would willingly part with money, and compare the value of that activity to the service being rendered by the Tippee. Me, I use a movie ticket, which coincidentally costs ten bucks, or 1/5th the going rate for a blow job, assuming I take my friend at his word.

You can see where I'm going here. Ten bucks gets you a 7500 calorie meal at Burger King complete with a large strawberry milkshake, a hot pie for dessert and a buck seventy back in your pocket; and ironically, nobody expects you to tip. Ten bucks gets you two decent haircuts from the gum-chewing Vietnamese chick down from my house. Ten bucks gets you four trips through the Magic Wand Car Wash if you work quickly. Ten bucks gets you the aforementioned movie ticket. Ten bucks will buy you 10 minutes of Jihadist indoctrination from a Major in the United States Army. Ten bucks will buy you 15 minutes of warm and nurturing psychobabble from a High School Grief Counselor. Ten bucks will buy you a single sideward glance from a United States Congressman as you pass him in a hallway....

Wait, strike those last three. I forgot our premise was comparing a tip to services you would willingly pay for, and unless any or all of the aforementioned Public Servants was willing to blow me, their actual value to society is lost on me and thus, worthy of no further discussion in this venue.

I guess we can only be thankful that Public Servants generally don't expect to be tipped, which would be the only form of compensation ever devised that is not explicitly written into their job descriptions; but hey, back to the topic at hand. To have a firm grasp on tipping, remember always that there must be a service rendered, and it should be worth the coin you lay out. Purge from your mind any and all etiquette and rhetoric about the necessity of tipping, established norms for whom to tip, and how much.

Screw all of that.

If we're going to realize our potential as a nation that is first amongst equals, and in the process defeat worldwide Communism, Islamic terrorism and the creeping horror that is the Democrat Party, we first need to become a nation of Discriminating Tippers.

Dispense with all preconceptions, and you shall be free.....

Be on the lookout for Part 2 - The Art Of Tipping - The Real World