Elin Woods vs. Tiger Woods, Day 4

So far, OffHisMed's only regret about the whole sordid affair involving Tiger Woods, his mistresses and his wife has been its timing.

How much more timely had this all come out, say, a week before Halloween. How many women would be pairing up with their black male friends to imitate Elin and Tiger Woods, complete with seven iron, bandages, splints and body cast? As it is, this event has done more for race relations in America than Obama's election ever did.

But, since Tiger didn't drive into a tree before Halloween, OHM will settle for being a fly on the wall when the new Prenuptial Agreement is negotiated, assuming both the Party Of The First Part (Elin) and the Party Of The Second Part (Tiger) would be in attendance for all or a portion of the proceedings, along with attorneys representing both sides and a stenographer and video camera operator, as is customary in such dealings:

Day Four:

Attorney 1: "..........such schedule as outlined herein will establish the visitation rights between Tiger Woods (hereafter referred to as the Party Of The Second Part) and all third parties with intimate knowledge of the POTSP (hereafter referred to as Mistresses), as well as the frequency and type of electronic communications between them, not to include any and all improvements in said technology not anticipated by this agreement. In return, the POTSP agrees to increase the lump sum payments to Erin Woods (hereafter referred to as the Party Of The First Part) in Years 10, 15 and 25 from the previous sums of $10 million, $15 million and $25 million to the sums of $20 million, $30 million and $50 million dollars".

Attorney 2: "This is agreeable to The Party Of The Second Part with the proviso that terms such as 'filthy whoremonger' and 'rat bastard son of a bitch' which appear in the draft agreement are stricken from the final agreement, along with any and all Swedish expressions, including 'Hora Jaga Scumbag', and if agreement can be reached on certain other provisions as shall be discussed, including sexual privileges."

Attorney 1: "The Party Of The First Part will insist on a moratorium from sex between both Parties for a period of one (1) year beginning January 1st, 2010. Further, during said period it is agreed that The Party Of The First Part shall exercise her right to engage in sexual relations for a period of one (1) year with a quantity of Professional Golfers and Other Celebrities of her choosing, in a number not less than three (3) but not to exceed six (6), from the list of names attached. It is understood that this list is not exhaustive, and may be added to at any time based on the revelation of any further past indiscretions by the POTSP. The POTSP shall have the right to strike no more than one (1) consecutive Candidate from the list for each occurrence. It is further understood that beginning January 1st, 2011, the POTFP is free to engage in sexual relations with persons other than the POTSP once per fiscal quarter until the payment of the Year 25 Lump Sum, to be exercised or not at her sole discretion."

Attorney 2: "The POTSP objects to the inclusion of John Daly, Charlie Sheen and Kanye West to this list."

Attorney 1: "In so doing the POTSP will surrender the right to strike additional candidates until October 1st, 2010."

Attorney 2: "This is acceptable, assuming we are in agreement on the claim of ownership by the POTSP of the POTFP's breasts implants, and the concomitant right to custody of the POTFP's breasts implied therein."

Attorney 1: "The POTFP rejects the contention by the POTSP that her breast implants are property as that term is defined in law or that they are material in the renegotiation of the Prenuptial Agreement solely on the basis of the fact that the POTSP paid for the aforementioned implants. Further, because the implants were gifted before the execution of the original Prenuptial Agreement, they clearly fall outside of the conditions that govern said document."

Attorney 2: "The POTSP disagrees, since by purchasing the aforementioned breast implants, the POTSP improved the POTFP's appearance which contributed materially to the subsequent proposal of marriage and the creation of the Prenuptial Agreement and Other Documents (hereafter collectively referred to as "The Agreement") that govern the contractual obligations of both Parties under said Agreement. The POTSP also asserts a custodial and familial relationship with the POTFP's breasts under Chapter 11, Subsection F, Paragraph 3b of the Agreement titled 'Pets'.
The POTSP will prove that he had accorded the aforementioned breasts the attention and affection characteristic of the relationship between a Person and a Pet, including caressing them, speaking to them in the first person, praising them in a loud voice, and encouraging them to perform tricks in exchange for certain non-monetary rewards.

Furthermore, as the POTSP had also named the aforementioned breasts "Nike" and "Buick" respectively and referred to them as such on numerous occasions not only and exclusively to the POTFP but also in the company and presence of numerous witnesses including but not limited to Family Members, Friends, Agents, Chaffeurs, Doorman, Publicists, Mistresses, Reporters and Galleries, the POTSP had established a personal and custodial relationship with said breasts and asserts his claim to all the rights and privileges inherent therein. A selection of affidavits from the aforementioned Family Members, Friends, etc. attesting to the Personalization of said breasts by the POTSP is attached.

Based on that claim and other material factors, the POTSP will assert a claim of joint custody of and a Special Relationship with the POTFP's breasts, and shall have such reasonable visitation and other rights (including possession) as are accorded under The Agreement. Attached is a copy of the list of acceptable activities already defined in The Agreement beforehand. The POTSP will assert a continuing claim to all of those activites."

Attorney 1: "The POTFP agrees, with the proviso that said activities will under no circumstances lead to overtly sexual activities for the calendar year 2010. Further, the POTFP wishes to amend the Master Agreement to include a prohibition from the POTSP simulating a drum solo on the buttocks of the POTFP to the song 'In a Gada Da Vida' or any other songs of a similar nature, or verbalizing either during foreplay or afterwards a desire to 'wear her out'."

Attorney 2: "The POTSP agrees, with the condition that he will be allowed to continue to express such sentiments via text, e-mail, Twitter and other forms of electronic communication."

Attorney 1: "Agreed. On a related matter, the POTFP rejects any claims to custody of her vagina based on the videotape evidence provided by the POTFP of himself and the POTFP playing 'Good Kitty, Bad Kitty' and 'Mr. Microphone', as said evidence does not establish any familial or custodial relationship............

I've been advised that we need to take a one hour recess so as to allow the Stenographer treatment for symptoms of Carpal Tunnel syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and to allow the videographer time to purchase more recording disks. Shall we resume at 4:00 p.m.?"