Elin Woods vs. Tiger Woods, Day 11

Attorney 1: ".........that the Party Of The First Part, Elin Woods (hereafter referred to as the POTFP), has agreed to the introduction of the "Statement Of Abject Apology" being entered into the record of these proceedings by the Party Of The Second Part, Tiger Woods (hereafter referred to as the POTSP), notwithstanding that inclusion of said statement shall have no bearing on the current division of properties, or the ongoing renegotiation of the division of said properties."

Attorney 2: "The POTSP asserts that all such statements should in fact and law have a bearing on the proceedings since both individually and collectively they constitute a Material Benefit for the POTFP in that all such statements have portrayed the POTFP in a positive light and have at a minimum contained some admission of guilt from the POTSP, either explicit or implied. Further, all such statements have in fact benefited the POTFP not only in presenting her in a positive light but in protecting her from criminal prosecution, these Statements including but not limited to the 'Initial Vague Statement', the 'Clarifying Statement', the 'Initial Rebuttal', the 'Plea For Privacy', the 'Refutation Of Law Enforcement And Other Persons Concerning Motive', the 'Demand For Privacy', and the 'Rebuttal of Certain Claims By Law Enforcement Officials To Material Evidence To Prove Assertions Of Criminality'."

Further, the POTSP is prepared to release additional such Statements that will benefit the POTFP, including the 'Rejection Of Certain Allegations' that the POTFP - after discovering certain text messages to the POTSP from a Person Not His Wife (hereafter referred to as "Mistress") inviting the POTSP to "wear her out" - had on the night in question acted upon her desire to beat both the POTSP and his vehicle with a seven iron, as well as expressed her intent to render the POTSP incapable of physically acting upon such further invitations by inserting the aforementioned seven iron into his rectum until he "tasted leather".

The POTSP will further concede that all such Statements benefitting the POTFP to date are neither comprehensive nor exhaustive, assuming that the POTFP will reciprocate by making such similar public Statements of affection for, solidarity with and affirmation of the Good Character of the POTSP, in return fo which the POTFP will participate in 15% of any and all future Endorsement Contracts that result from such Good Faith efforts by the POTFP, not to include current agreements in force between the POTSP, Nike and Buick."

Attorney 1: "The Proposal in general is acceptable to the POTFP, pending final negotiation of the percentage participation of the POTFP in the aforementioned future Endorsement Contracts as well as some limited participation in any and all existing Endorsement Contracts, with payments to commence upon some Date Certain no less than 60 nor more than 90 days from the date of the aforementioned Text Message.

We further demand that the Senior Arbitrator excise from the record prejudicial comments inserted into the record by the Stenographer comparing the Parties of the First and Second Part to certain Acts of Personal Hygiene and/or the residual of such Acts of Hygiene, as well as her suggestion that the Attorneys in attendance might consume said residual. I recommend we take a recess so as to secure the services of another Stenographer and make the necessary corrections to the record before we resume. Lunch anyone?"