Man vs. Raccoon

Last month, my wife and I noticed that a few times per week, the cat's food bowls in the garage were empty in the morning, and the water dish was seriously depleted and a bit slimy to boot. This never happened before, so we suspected that another cat or some other critter was coming in late at night for a snack.

About a month ago, Sharon couldn't sleep, so she got up about 3:00 a.m. and went out to the garage to read and smoke a ciggie. Our cats Fraidy and Idgie were in their beds, snoozing. A few minutes later, something came pushing through the cat door, and in enters a very large raccoon. Sharon reports that she jumped up on her chair and started yelling for him to "get out of here". The raccoon ran behind the van and peered back at her as if she was crazy.

Sharon decided to change her strategy, so she stayed on the chair, yelled at him to "get out", and pointed at the cat door. Figuring he was not welcome, the coon ambled over and slipped out, although he looked none too pleased at having his routine interrupted. During this entire exchange, our cats simply dozed in their beds, as if this was the most natural thing in the world.

We named him Rocky.

In the next few weeks the cat's bowls would be empty, so, figuring I had to do something, I called Sandy and Thursday went to borrow his animal trap. Last night, I baited it with a bowl of cat food, and put it near the cat door. My original strategy was to block the cat door with the trap, but I decided not to do that the first time, since Idgie was still outside and would need to get in the garage. Plus, some small portion of my brain - the part that controls inappropriate behavior - thought that it would be funny to see if Idgie would walk into the trap.

This isn't really as bad as it sounds. In the annals of Petdom, Idgie is about as useless as cats get. He is not larger than life, as was Whitey. He is not beautiful like Shatzie, or friendly, like Mongo. He does not protect our home, as Chuba does with such dedication, nor is he perpetually glad to see you, like Murphy. He is not smart, like Fraidy, who can speak several words of English, including "NOW" (when she wants to be fed or petted).

Idgie does two things: he eats, and he and loiters underfoot every time we walk out to the garage. When - not if, but when - I break a hip, Idgie will be the cause.

Anyway, I got up this morning and went out to check the trap. No raccoon or cat in the cage. Inside the garage, however, the cat's food bowls were empty, and the water dish was depleted. Rocky - 1, OffHisMeds - 0. So, to sum up: the raccoon is smart, relatively considerate, beautiful, and is not constantly underfoot. Idgie is, well, Idgie.

At first, the objective was to catch the annoying critter and transport him to some safe haven, preferably in The Heights Area or perhaps Midtown, so as to liven things up a little for Inside-The-Loopers. Now, I'm thinking it wouldn't be a bad idea to catch Idgie, transport him to some safe haven, and keep Rocky Raccoon.

Does that make me a bad person?

I am,

A Conflicted Pet Owner