Dear Democrats - Volume Two

Dear Democrat Party: What can I say?  I have been remiss lo this past four days, but it has been a crazy week and I just have not had the time to respond to the continuing flood of awesome personalized e-mails that you send to me.  So, to save time, I figured I would catch up with you all at once.  Here goes:

Dear Debbie Wasserman Schultz: I hope you are just kidding me about the Last Call thing after all we've meant to each other.  On a related note, don't you listen to those naysayers about your hair.  I think it's fine.

Dear DNC Membership: To Be Or Not To Be A Card Carrying Democrat.  It's a tempting, but I'm waiting for a better offer, preferably from a certified Hottie of the Democrat Party.

Dear Debbie: Bam.  You had me at "Pete".  I'm in.

Dear Barack: You are welcome, assuming you're talking about all the constructive criticism I have directed your way these past six years.  And that rogue drone on the White House lawn?  Not me.

Dear Joe: You are welcome too.  Please tell me you're not going anywhere, and that your health is good.  The Party would not be the same without you, and I mean that.

Dear Barack: Enough with the thanks already.  When I say that I could have done more, I'm really not kidding.

Dear DNC HQ: Loath as I generally am to dialogue with buildings and other non-corporeal entities, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that you can definitely count on me, and that I will definitely vote.  Not entirely sure you'll be happy with the outcome, but hey.

Dear ScarJo: Forgive the familiarity, but I feel as if we've connected on some deeper level, particularly since you starred in "Lucy".  I am here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with a SciFi movie that showcases your breasts, and truth be told, they were a welcome distraction from the movie, which was one Hot Mess.

Dear Joan Jett: I share your outrage, whoever the Hell "they" are.  By the way, you peaked with The Runaways.

Dear Amy: Easy Girl!  Yes, the Repubs are blocking a minimum wage increase, but frankly, you ought to be setting your sights higher.

Dear DNC HQ: Don't take it personally.  The last time I contributed you promised me an all expenses paid trip to the White House, one night in the Lincoln Bedroom, and some alone time with Michelle.  You did not come through, so you'll forgive me for being a little stingy this last election cycle.

Dear Mark: One man's beautiful dream is another man's nightmare.  For instance, "Foxcatcher" has grossed $11 Million since Thanksgiving, and you took your salary in points.  That has got to sting. Anyway, while I am generally loath to offer advice to strangers, before you next get all squishy about MoveOn.Org, you might be interested to know that it was created solely as a means to distract attention from the numerous women sexually abused by Bill Clinton.

Thus the whole "Move On" thing.