Fractured Movie Review: Ridley Scott, You Need To Channel Your Inner Jackass

Some things just do your heart good.  In this case, it's the release of two movies and the initial reviews that, admittedly, both appeal to my lesser angels.

The movies in question are "Bad Grandpa" starring the irrepressible Johnny Knoxville of Jackass fame, and "The Counselor", a much-anticipated drama/thriller directed by Ridley Scott, written by Cormac McCarthy and including in the cast Javier Bardem.  If after reading any of those last three names you feel compelled to genuflect, go ahead; I'll wait, but trust me, you're going to feel less well about yourself once you read through to the end. 

OK, now that the preliminaries are out of the way, I can boldly state: Bad Grandpa is a low-brow masterpiece, the Counselor is a pretentious bore, and I couldn't be happier.  Why, you ask?  Because the Jackass team is going to ride a tsunami of paying customers to a Megabucks gate and an almost certain Harvard Hasty Pudding award, whilst the Giants Of Hollywood employed on The Counselor will all be driven to some trendy bar in West Hollywood to: a) drown their sorrows; b) count the gate on a cocktail napkin; c) mourn the Oscar prospects receding from their grasp at light speed; and d) try and figure out what the hell went wrong.

It's not just Schadenfreude I'm experiencing, although that plays a part.  Admit it: we all enjoy it when the self-important Masters of The Cinematic Universe try to lay the proverbial golden egg, and end up dropping a gigantic turd instead, particularly when that turd is contrasted with a movie like Bad Grandpa, and found lacking.  Bad Grandpa is also a turd.  It is so completely an exercise in bad taste that its primary demographic is that male age group that will cut a hole in the bottom of their popcorn container despite their certain knowledge that no girl will go to this movie with them. That will not stop them from putting aside their Grand Theft Auto marathon in a pack, and all sitting in the same row.  There, they will hoot, they will holler in monosyllables, they will be thoroughly entertained, and whatever else happens at the Octoplex stays at the Octoplex.

They will also eagerly anticipate the sequel.

By comparison, when you start trying to break down how a movie with the endless resources of The Counselor ends up being a dog, it's not actually that hard to figure out.  The first mistake was hiring Javier Bardem and making him wear a weird haircut.  This had already been done for No Country For Old Men in 2007.  It was laughable even then, but No Country was produced by the Coen Brothers, and we've come to expect a certain amount of weirdness from them.  When Ridley Scott recycles this shtick, it's derivative.  He might as well just print up a big "Kick Me" sign, and stick it on his own back.  The second mistake was having more than one person on the production with an Epic Resume, and that would be the seriously over-exposed Cormac McCarthy.  And not to beat a dead horse, but exactly how much money have his movies made?

The third mistake was the group of actors cast in the main parts: in what scenario are Brad Pitt, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz ever going to jell?  It was completely predictable that the first critic I read would describe the acting of at least one of them as "unintentionally hilarious"; I only leave it to you the Reader to figure out which one.  And don't even get me started on the casting of Michael Fassbender as the lead, an actor whose sole accomplishment prior to this was to play a role so unmemorable in Scott's "Prometheus" that nobody can recall a single word he said.

Next we come to hiring Ridley Scott as the director.  He's been so good for so long, it was inevitable that he would have his Eyes Wide Shut moment.  He came close with Prometheus, but this movie much more fits the bill.  And he has to own the ultimate mistake in the production of this movie: making the setting the America-Mexico border, surrounded by Bad Guys.  As any true movie fan knows, this ground has not only been done, but done to death, and Robert Rodriguez owns it with his Machete franchise.  How could Ridley Scott not know this?  I think I can offer a clue: When Scott was making Prometheus, the execrable "prequel" to the Alien movies, he stated in an interview how excited he was by the design of a space ship that the special effects team had come up with, particularly the directional jets on the tips of the wings.  As any Fanboy knows, they completely ripped off Joss Whedon's Serenity for the exterior ship design, right down to that particularly detail. 

For that reason, I believe that if you asked Ridley Scott to describe the Machete movies, you would draw a blank, uncomprehending stare, which would mean that with The Counselor he was destined to do unintentionally what Rodriguez does on purpose: a parody of a movie.  Just like - come to think of it - Johnny Knoxville's latest masterpiece.  Bottom line, Ridley Scott is out of touch with movie culture and its fans.  He needs to go see Bad Grandpa and start getting reacquainted.