Leave Charlie Sheen Alone

Full disclosure: the title of this Riff notwithstanding, Charlie Sheen is giving OffHisMeds the creeps. The Question is: why? He's not acting a hell of a lot differently than the Charlie Sheen we have all come to know through the TV, however inaccurate a prism that might be. There's clearly something going on in his personal life, and whether it's drugs or just the pressures of dealing with a bunch of cut-throat Hollywood producers, let me share with you some things that are equally creepy about this whole Charlie Sheen affair:

1) The wall-to-wall coverage by the networks, entertainment shows and Talking Heads of Sheen's personal life. Can somebody credibly argue that these folks aren't pimping their ratings at Sheen's expense? Can they credibly argue that they aren't collectively feeding the frenzy that provokes Sheen to respond, obsessively, to their every provocation? Can anybody credibly argue that they aren't all rooting for - and possibly even enabling - a suicide?

For example, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that the Hags on "The View" have been fretting publicly for several days about the Sheen affair, complete with much clucking of tongues, preening moralization and more than a few "Mm, hm, hm's" from Whoopie Goldberg. That's rich coming from four women who - during the run of The View - have either developed or enabled Hate Speech to a high art.

More disclosure: I never watch "The View", and yet I know that these Skanks have been publicly - and hypocritically - rending their loin-clothes over his condition. This realization makes me feel omnipotent; could it be that I too have "Tiger Blood", just like Charlie Sheen?

2) The Reality TV consuming public. Let's face it. If you or I had our entire life thrown under a microscope, with the entire weight of America's Media Machine deployed to make you look bad and otherwise hound and harass you, how many amongst us would not be tempted to eat a gun? This has all been enabled by the distressingly large portion of the populace that lives, eats and breaths Reality TV shows, however phony they may be.

OffHisMeds has no use for Reality TV shows, and increasingly little use for the people who watch them. This is a big problem in that so many of the people I know and consider friends do watch them, obsessively. The Charlie Sheen deal is catnip to this crowd, and I cannot help but conclude that they too are waiting for the Money Shot, when Sheen kills himself. News at Eleven.

3) The Talk Show psychoanalysis of Charlie Sheen offered by dozens of esteemed psychiatrists on The Tube, including detailed explanations of not only his symptoms, but his specific illness AND the underlying causes - and all without the benefit of having once spoken to him personally, much less professionally.

These Humps ought to have their medical licenses revoked. Whether there is anything to their blathering or not, what the Hell ever happened to the concept of professional discretion? A generation ago, doctors would have been horrified at the notion of offering any opinion - public or private - without first having personally examined the patient. Now, these insufferable pricks feel free to verbally disembowel the man, and all for the sake of a tiny scrap of the fame he has achieved.

4) The Hollywood Double Standard. It's hard to imagine why there's such a fuss about Charlie Sheen, considering that his recent rants are no different from those delivered by a variety of demi-celebrities every day. As long as Howard Stern, Rosie O'Donnell, Chris Matthews and Bill Maher are allowed to roam the Earth unmolested, I think Charlie Sheen deserves a break.

And speaking of demi-celebrities, when his own father sees fit to take such a private family matter and make public statements about his son's alleged addiction, it validates the opinion I've had about Martin Sheen for a long time now: He's a piece of crap. I actually reached this conclusion in 1980 after watching Sheen and Marlon Brando chew scenery in epic portions in the box office bomb "Apocalypse Now". Word is Francis Ford Coppola is still paying the Vig on that one, mostly because of his terrible casting choices, and that Martin Sheen cashed his check with a clear conscience.

But I digress.

My point is: what father would have a word to say to the press about his children on such matters? So in addition to being a crappy actor and a poseur, he's apparently a shitty parent too. After all, look how Charlie turned out.

Ironic moment: Howard Stern had Charlie Sheen on his show today, and as Stern is so wont to do, he tried to milk Sheen like a dairy cow. Sheen, by the way, was hilarious, coherent and - how else to put it - "On". That didn't matter to Stern. The King Of All Publicity Whores prodded Sheen constantly, ever-further attempting to draw out of him more and increasingly more outrageous statements. Sheen - to his credit - was circumspect. He even complimented his former wife Denise Richards when Stern was clearly trying to get him to trash her. Stern was disappointed.

The full irony of this whole deal is that people are making a big deal about Sheen speaking over a matter of weeks the way that Stern speaks every single day. And yet nobody is talking about locking Stern up.

Well, except for me, of course.