Mercury Not Rising

With the impending arrival of the NASA spacecraft Messenger to assume an orbit around the planet Mercury, the Astronomical Community received a jolt this past week when Mercury was de-certified as a planet. "Mercury is not a planet", stated respected astronomer William H. Peters of the OHM Astronomical Institute. Citing the 2006 decertification of Pluto by "a bunch of silly Frenchmen", Peters asserted that the same criteria used to demote Pluto must certainly apply to Mercury. "Mercury's orbit is far more irregular than Pluto's. And unlike Pluto, Mercury's rotation is highly peculiar, it has no atmosphere and it has no moon. Clearly, it is not a planet". Peter's predicted that Mercury would be delisted by April 14th, the date that famed scientist Galileo allegedly first observed Mercury in the year 1603. "This is all speculation, of course. For the most part, Galileo was a self-promoting fraud, and his antics ought not to be misrepresented as actual scientific achievement".

Professor Peters also stated that the OHM Astronomical Institute was finishing a study that would lay the groundwork for renaming the seven remaining planets. "The naming of our solar system's planets is far too Euro-centric", Peter's claimed. "With the exception of Earth, all other planet names originate from Greek and Latin mythology. Considering the sad state of Greece and Italy today, it's hard to justify the current naming conventions". Peter's went on to compare Greece and Italy to the ancient state of Persia, now known as Iran. "All three were once the center of the civilized world. Now all three are basket cases, but you don't see Iranians claiming any special status based on their past glory".

He noted other similarities between the three countries, including the tiresome regularity with which their citizens took to the streets to protest, and promised to submit his list of alternate planetary names as soon as possible.