Ernie Pile Is Rolling In His Grave

What do Don Quixote, Christiane Amanpour, Katie Couric and Anderson Cooper all have in common? This question occurred to me as I've watched the news coverage of the revolution in Egypt evolve from straight-up reportage of events to an ever increasing number of stage-managed "endangered reporter in the streets" bits, where Cooper, Couric, Amanpour and a seemingly endless stream of other demi-celebs move a few paces outside of their luxury hotels, enlist a handful of bemused and amused Egyptians to mill around them, jostle and shout things whilst they bravely finish their reports, cameras rolling.

These pieces are then followed by endless reporting from a bunch of network talking heads about how Mubarak's thugs were "targeting reporters and human rights activists". Love the way these people always mention human rights activists and themselves in the same sentence. These reports would then devolve into endless round table discussions about the safety of Reporters and how important - nay, pivotal - these same Reporters were to the events that were unfolding. Based on the coverage, One would be excused for concluding that the Revolution never would had happened had it not been for the bravery and keen insights of Katie Couric, however blow-dried and vacuous they were.

But wait, it gets even better. Fox News - generally a small island of sanity amongst major news organizations and mostly immune to preening self-aggrandizement - has jumped onto the bandwagon in a big way, making the safety of Reporters in Egypt THE story. In the last couple of nights, they've out-Couric'ed Couric with their hyperventilation, with endless stories about brave "journalists", and one commentator calling on world leaders and the United Nations to ensure the safety of reporters. They did a have a few truth-in-advertising moments, however. Since none of the "name" reporters was actually harmed, they were relegated to describing them as "intimidated" by the crowds and the Mubarak Goons that were allegedly targetting them.

You may recall that this bit of phony journalism was not only invented by Dan Rather, but raised to a high art. Every time the ratings for CBS Evening News would start to dip - or if his gig as a news reader got boring - old Dan would don a flak jacket and helmet and head on out into the field, usually a war zone. The reports themselves were high comedy for anybody with an ounce of sense. Rather would show up on a set, complete with props, a Caterer, multiple cameras, a complete Hollywood-style film crew including Riggers and Gaffers, and a nearby trailer housing all of Rather's comforts; He would do his report, safely removed by many miles from any real danger; the Director would yell "cut!", and Rather would high-tail it back to his luxury hotel, abandoning the set. After a few years of this, I would make a bet with myself as to whether Rather's hair would be mussed when - towards the end of the broadcast - he would take his helmet off. It never was.

But back to Don Quixote. Cervantes' famous character (from the book of the same name) was infamously deluded, convinced that he was on a knightly mission to travel the land and slay dragons, do battle with evil doers and rescue the fair Dulcinea. As any first year college student knows, there were no dragons, there were no evil-doers, and Dulcinea was in no danger. Neither, by the way, was Don Quixote. The mad fool truly was "tilting at windmills". Throughout the book, Sancho Panza was, of course, his long-suffering Squire, pressed by Don Quixote to accompany him on his "quest" . It's hard not to compare Anderson Cooper's equally long-suffering staff of makeup artists, personal assistants, gofers, manicurists, publicists, assistant producers and executive assistants to Sancho. Sancho clearly did not want to be part of Don Quixote's delusion. I wonder if Cooper's staff feels the same way?

The analogy breaks down as of a certain point. For example, Don Quixote was barking mad, albeit in a relatively innocent and harmless way, and he truly was motivated by the desire to do good. Couric, Cooper and Amanpour have no such excuse. They are cold, calculating publicity hounds, determined to exploit the misery of the Egyptians for their own benefit, and dancing on the grave of true heroes of the Reporting trade such as Daniel Pearl. Suffice to say, Ernie Pile must be rolling in his grave.

As for Dan Rather, the Godfather of phony journalism, I have a more kindly opinion. I truly believe he was as nutty as Don Quixote, and Rather himself infamously gave us all a huge clue as to the state of his sanity a couple decades back when he told the story of being confronted late at night by a stranger in a trench coat and asked "what is the frequency, Kenneth?". Whether it happened or not, what journalist in their right mind would reveal that story to the public? Only Don Quixote, ever-desperate to convince the world - and himself - that those windmills were in fact dragons.

If America's reporters are the public face that America presents to the world, it's no wonder that Muslims hate us. They must be asking themselves, "where have you been for the past 30 years, Katie Couric, and is it not unseemly for you to jump in front of a camera and make our revolution all about yourself? And what is up with the makeup, lighting and elaborate production"? Anderson Cooper supposedly got punched for his "moment". Hey Anderson, come to my town after the next hurricane and make the story all about you, and I'll punch you too.

Final Note: I was done writing this riff when I read today's Editorial section in my local paper, only to discover that there were two more articles dealing with the Courics of the world. One - by Leonard Pitts - was intentionally humorous; the other - by Kathleen Parker - was not. Hands down, though, Parker's article is the funnier of the two, as she boldly proclaims Journalism's Don Quixotes "heroes", and herself "awestruck" by their selflessness. She even describes in detail the existence of the Committee To Protect Journalists, or CPJ, and the noble work they do to ensure the safety of those pillars of freedom, our Reporters. Hey Kathleen, if we really want to make a difference, what say we create the CPATDCEMDIM, or "Committee to Protect American Truck Drivers Crazy Enough to Make Deliveries In Mexico"? Howzabout the CPDACSWTSBIA, or "Committee to Protect Drunk American College Students Who Take Spring Break In Aruba"?

Now those would be organizations that can make a difference.