The Hockey Strike

To my NHL-loving family members and friends Up North: Sorry to say, no hockey for you this season. So as an alternative, may I recommend soccer? Like hockey, it is played with two goals. The similarities pretty much end there. Soccer will take a little getting used to, since it is played for long periods of time without a single shot on net, much less a score. This is mostly because of the size of the field, or "pitch", as they call it. A soccer pitch is roughly the size of two WalMart Supercenters laid end-to-end. Since it takes the players literally minutes to run from one end of the field to the other, the announcers create the illusion of excitement by speaking very rapidly in a loud voice.

When there is an actual score, the announcer will scream the word "goal", and stretch it out for anywhere from one to three minutes, depending on how long he can keep his breath. The fans and players all celebrate for several minutes, often breaking out into little dances and other strange rituals. Frequently players and fans will also roll on the ground in apparent convulsions, as if possessed. All of this time comes off the play clock. Otherwise, soccer games would never end.

During the numerous lulls in the action, fans eat, drink and socialize. Many of them have small grills and actually cook meals in the stands, and it is not uncommon for them to bring their dinner - mostly chickens and small pigs - "on the hoof", and slaughter them right there at their seats. This is called "Barbacoa".

Soccer bonus: while there aren't many fights on the field, there are literally dozens of them in the stands. And, players who inadvertantly score on their own team - called an "Own Goal" - are murdered. Riots before, during and after the games are common, and add to the excitement.

So, there you have it. Soccer is not hockey. Soccer is not perfect. But Soccer is everywhere, and the season never ends. Enjoy.