Tom Hanks and Ron Howard Give Islam The DaVinci Code Treatment

MEE!: Middle Eastern Entertainment
RH: Ron Howard
TH: Tom Hanks

MEE!: Fresh on the heels of "The DaVinci Trilogy" comes the first big-screen action-adventure set in the Muslim world. The movie is called "Infidels and Crusaders", and it's brought to you by that Dynamic Duo, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks. Welcome gentlemen.

RH: That, that's only a working title. No final decision has been made.

MEE!: Right, got it. Guys, before we get to your new movie, give us a refresher on the first three "DaVinci" code movies, "DaVinci Code", "Angels & Demons", and "Benedict's Revenge".

TH: Well Hafez, they were collectively a fascinating experience. As you know, what started out as a straightforward thriller using the Catholic Church as a backdrop came to be the first serious treatment of the inherent evils and contradictions of Catholicism.

MEE!: Many Catholics have taken exception to your portrayal of Catholics in those movies. Why pick strictly on them? Why not go after, say, Lutherans, Presbyterians or Jews? Is "Infidels and Crusaders" an attempt to balance the scales? Spread the misery around a bit, so to speak?

RH: Now, I don't think our movies "picked on" Catholics per se. What we did was hold a mirror up to the Catholic Church. If they didn't like what they saw, well, that's something they need to look into.

MEE!: But you didn't exactly make an effort to show Catholics sympathetically, now, did you?

TH: I think we did. For example, we tried to strike a balance between Evil Priests and Good Priests. That's why we had at Good Priests in each movie, and made one of them a central figure torn between his loyalty to the Catholic Church and his conscience.

MEE!: Actually, didn't you only have one Good Priest in all three movies?

RH: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, now that you mention it, I think you're right.

MEE!: And in "Benedict's Revenge", wasn't the Good Priest really a Transgendered nun infiltrating the priesthood so as to expose Catholicism's connections with Afrikaner Revanchists attempting to overthrow the government of South Africa and reclaim their nukes so they could bomb Palestinian Refugee camps?

RH: Well, technically that's true, but we did show, I think, a sympathetic portrayal of Pope Benedict in that movie.

MEE!: You had him rising from the Dead and haunting the College of Cardinals. He called himself "The Eater of Souls" and "Satan's Whore". How exactly was that a sympathetic portrayal?

RH: Ah ha ha ha ha. You know, when you put it that way, it sounds really bad, but as you'll recall, in the penultimate scene, Pope Benedict saw the error of his ways and repented.

MEE!: But only after you had him kill all the Cardinals by spewing acid from his mouth.

RH: There was some nuance in that scene that I don't think you're giving us credit for, but hey, we're here to talk about the new project.

MEE!: Right, right. Tom, tell us how you prepared for the three different roles that you played in the movie, as the Prophet Mohammed, his Son-In-Law Ali ibn Abi Talib, and the modern day role of Yusef Islam, previously known as Cat Stevens.

TH: Well Hafez, for starters, I converted to Islam.

MEE!: From what, may I ask?

TH: From what what?

MEE!: From what religion did you convert to Islam?

TH: Well, technically, I didn't practice any formal religion at the time of my conversion, but the Muslim faith is very specific on that point. If you accept Islam, whatever religion you did or did not practice prior was that of the Infidel anyway; so, they basically made no distinction.

MEE!: Did you adopt all Islamic customs?

TH: I did, I did indeed. I took seven wives, observed the dietary restrictions, prayed, stoned an unrighteous woman, made the Hajj, the whole schmeer.

MEE!: Tom, "the whole schmeer" is a Yiddish expression, no? As a Muslim, isn't that going to get you into trouble with some of the more conservative elements within Islam?

TH: Well technically, I'm not still a practicing Muslim.

MEE!: How, technically, are you not still a practicing Muslim? Prayers? Fasting? Observance of holy days?

TH: Well, most of the above.

MEE!: What happened to the wives?

TH: Funny story. In the Muslim faith, a man can divorce his wife by saying "I divorce you" seven times. Is that crazy or what? So, I was talking to Ronny about my dilemma once we had wrapped the location shoot in Jordan before heading back to the studio, and Ron was like "Tom, there's some symmetry here; seven wives, seven denials each; just say "I divorce you" 7 times with all seven of them present and get it over with, and I'm like "Ronny, I don't think it's that easy", and he's like "we're on a schedule here".

MEE!: So, what did you end up doing?

TH: Well first I gave Ronny my "crazy eyes" look and said "Shut Up!" seven times to see if that would make him go away. Then I punched him in the arm.

RH: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

TH: So then I decided to divorce them all individually, and man, that was hard; very emotional.

MEE!: What happened to your wives?

TH: (Shrugs his shoulders) I dunno. I guess they went back to their families.

MEE!: Tom, you didn't pay real close attention during portions of your religious instruction, did you?

TH: Well, I'll admit I didn't pick up every nuance, but it still was a very powerful spiritual experience that I will carry with me throughout my life.

MEE!: Ron, did the religious authorities for Islam give you as much trouble as the Catholics for things like locations, etc?

RH: Well Hafez, as you know from the "extra features" we put on the "Da Vinci Code" boxed set - available for only $29.99 at Walmarts - we go into great depth about the obstacles the Catholic Church threw up to keep these movies from being made. I mean, no flash pots in the Sistine Chapel? It's not like we were under-insured or anything.

In fact, it was largely their negativity that forced me to take a closer look at the underlying evil that plagues the Church: things like their refusal to acknowledge that Jesus could have fathered a child with Mary Magdalene, their obsession about interfering with a Woman's Right To Choose, the demonization of Lucifer and of course the whole Ten Commandments thing.

I mean, I'm a Christian myself, and it hurts me to have to investigate these things.

MEE!: Really. When was the last time you went to a religious service?

RH: Beg pardon?

MEE!: Never mind. I understand there were some difficulties getting to film on location for many of the scenes in "Infidels and Crusaders".

TH: Can you believe it? There was no talking to those people on some issues. We actually had to build an exact duplicate of Mecca on a backlot in Mexico. Fortunately, it's now a big tourist draw and we expect to recoup a lot of our investment through that. Seems they also had some difficulties with the fight scenes in and around the Ka'bah during the ritual stoning of the devil, and the car chase through the streets of Jeddah. It was a nightmare. Fortunately, CGI cures a thousand ills, as the Prophet once said.

MEE!: Casting soft-core porn actress Fatima Tumescent as Fatima, the daughter of the Prophet was a bold move. What was your vision?

RH: Well, we wanted there to be some integrity between the character we created and the historical figure. Using Fatima not only lent some consistency to the narrative, but allowed us to take a certain creative license as well.

MEE!: How's that?

RH: For example, in the "DaVinci" Trilogy, one of the themes was where Jesus impregnated Mary Magdalene, who was a Harlot. The dynamic there appeared to be the Redemption of a Harlot through sex with God, but it was REALLY about the redemption of Jesus by having sex with a Harlot. It was a metaphor about Catholicism's relationship with the world.

MEE!: You've lost me. How do you tie that back to "Infidels and Crusaders"?

RH: Ah ha, ha ha; well, there's some details to work out on that one. I'm taking a page out of Orson Wells' book and getting a ton of stuff on film; it's that whole "act like there's midgets running between your legs" thing he did with Huston. We'll figure out how to use it later.

MEE!: Tom, tell me about the love scenes between you and Fatima; how did you prepare for them?

TH: First of all, the whole abaya thing was an obstacle. How to make love to a woman while she has clothes on? We were respectful of Muslim modesty, I think; struck just the right balance between being faithful to the material and our artistic vision while not sacrificing the authenticity that genuine Muslim beliefs and doctrine bring to the whole deal.

MEE!: So, not to give too much of the plot away, but will "Infidels and Crusaders" be as hard on modern day Muslims as The DaVinci Trilogy is on Catholics?

TH: Ha, ha, ha, ha ha. NOT!

RH: Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, what Tom said. What, do you think, we're crazy?

MEE!: Gentlemen, having made this movie, any concerns about a Fatwa?

TH: What's that, like a ritual or something?

RH: Yes, it's a declaration by religious elders, generally a curse or death sentence. Very mystical. We used several in the movie. Very "Raiders Of The Lost Ark", if you know what I mean.

MEE!: And are you not worried that there will be a Fatwa against you? I mean, there's pretty much no convention of Islam that you don't defile.

RH: Now, I thing that's a bit harsh. After all, in the end, the Mahdi arrives to strike down the Infidels and drive them all out of the Middle East. Besides, a number of prominent clerics cut a pretty sweet deal with us. Three have Producer credits, and we split ten points of Backside between Hamas, Islamic Jihad and the Muslim Brotherhood in order to get the movie made on location.

MEE!: Will that cut into profits?

RH: (Hanks and Howard both laugh). Not too much. The Backside is mostly net after Distribution and Marketing costs, and our lawyers were NOT Arab, if you know what I mean. Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

MEE!: So, are you stereotyping Jews now?

TH: As one of my ex fathers-in-law used to say "never bite the hand that feeds you, and never under any circumstances bite anybody's left hand". I never quite got the entire meaning of that.

MEE!: Gentlemen, thanks very much for your time. Would you mind if I slip out the back entrance?

RH: Sure, no problem.

MEE!: We'll see you later then.

TH: Inshallah.

MEE!: Whatever.