The Day The Earth Blew Chunks

It is time once again to review a movie we didn't even see, based solely on the Trailer we viewed on the T.V. The movie in question is the modern remake of "The Day The Earth Stood Still", starring Keanu Reeves. I know what you're saying: "How is it possible to review a movie you haven't seen"? Read on, and be amazed.

Not only did the Earth not stand still when this movie came out, it's arguable that it didn't slow down - not even a little bit. That's how bad this movie sucks, thanks to the politically correct anality of its producers. What is it with Hollywood anyway? Why must they constantly flog the movie-going public with their Democrat Party talking points? Have they not noticed that every time they do that, nobody goes to see their crap and they lose billions every year?

Anyway.

In both versions, an alien comes to earth with a serious attitude about mankind, bound and determined to make us see the error of our ways. In the 1954 classic, the alien counseled us to mend our warlike ways or to face certain destruction. Self destruction. He runs around a bit, has an affair with an Earth girl, meets with some scientists, is shot dead when there's a misunderstanding about the intentions of his robot, and is miraculously restored to life long enough to give us a stern tongue-lashing about our warlike ways. Then he leaves.

By comparison, he was an absolute pacifist compared to the modern Alien. This one is here not to counsel, but to kick ass. His beef is not just with our militarism, but the havoc we play on the environment. His vengeful robot Gort isn't just pissed that we tried to kill his master; Gort has issues with humanity that go far beyond that, and to show that he means business, he proceeds to lay waste to the Earth.

Now, many of you may contemplate, as I did, the irony of an advanced race of alien beings and their sentient robots travelling thousands of light years so as to show their concern about Mankind laying waste to the planet by, well, laying waste to the planet. And we shall not contemplate long the irony of these Aliens - as they spout the Democrat party line - generating more Greenhouse Gases than all of industrial society by blowing up significant portions of the Earth. And we shall make only the briefest of mentions that the robot Gort bears more than a casual resemblance to our own expressionless killjoy, Al Gore, much less that both of their methods are - how shall we say? - counterproductive.

What is with these Aliens anyway? Did they not do any research before they attacked the Earth? Did they not know that they had gobs of sympathizers on the ground? People perfectly willing to sell out humanity to alien invaders in order to save the Earth? Hell, we just elected one of them President of the United States.

Keanu Reeves was the perfect choice to play the emotionless judgmental alien, since it so played to his strengths as an actor. Of course, he would also have been perfect for the role of the robot, Gort. Reeves peaked in his first role as a teenage misfit in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", and it's been all downhill since then.

I predict short legs for this movie, a disappointing box office haul in the range of $80 million domestically, and the continuing bewilderment of Hollywood producers witless as to the cause of the spectacular failure of all of their anti-Iraq war movies; bewildered that the American public is not chomping at the bit for their brand of propaganda, investors be damned.

Al Gore, however, will include excerpts of this movie in his next slide show.