Dear Democrats: Volume 3

Dear Democrat Party: Well, it's been another four days, and once again I am obliged to respond to the continuing flood of awesome personalized e-mails that you send to me.  So once again, I figured I would catch up with you all at once.  Here goes:

Dear DNC HQ: You say this is the "Last Call" to meet POTUS, but I feel like you are playing with me.  Relationships are built on trust, DNC HQ, even those between regular folks like me, and inanimate objects like buildings.  I've half a mind to call Barack personally.

Dear Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Every time you write, I feel like I am ready to take our relationship to the next level, but what do you do?  You talk politics.  Yes, I'm excited to hear that the Dems have picked Philadelphia for the convention, but relationships require a little intimacy.  I need you to try harder, DWS.

Dear Barack: Thanks very much for the personal invite!  I look forward to the opportunity for you to thank me in person, particularly after all of the advice I've provided you over the years, but how will I get to DC?  Flights to DC don't grow on trees.

Dear DNC HQ: Do I know you or what?  Must say I'm a little disappointed you didn't offer me the flight last time, and I'm sorry I had to drag POTUS into this.  Please set me up First Class with just a carry-on; next Thursday is open.

Dear Debbie Wasserman Schultz: You know what you can do for me you temptress, and it's not setting up a flight.  Already got that taken care of.  I'm in town next Thursday to meet with Barack.  Clear your calendar.

Dear DNC HQ: Now we're talking.  Please book me into the Watergate; I'm big on irony, ha ha! Also, since you're springing for the hotel, change my airplane reservation to include checked baggage.  Looks like this is the time DWS and I are finally going to get it on.

Dear DNC War Room: "War Room" is a little intense, don't you think?  Not exactly a politically correct term for the Party obsessed with political correctness.  As to the Impeachment talk you flog all the time, 'fess up: that's more than just a little wishful thinking now, isn't it?

Dear Emily Gottschalk-Marconi: The only thing sexier than a Democrat woman with plaited hair from the Queens is a Democrat woman rocking the Axis Powers with a hyphen.  You and I need to get to know each other better.  I would dump DWS in a minute if you cursed at me in Italian mit a German accent.

Dear Joe: You are so forceful and decisive in this e-mail.  What happened to the eternally Goofy equivocator we have come to know and love?

Dear Lawrence: Don't even bother showing me Al Franken in a video unless it's a German Scheisse with Jon Stewart.  Will also settle for him getting Punked, literally.

Dear Eric and Meg: Lists, cards, membership: It all sounds very tempting, but if I did join the Democrat Party, what next?  Would you still write?  Would you still fill me Inbox with strident messages?  See, you Democrats have commitment issues; don't deny it, just ask Debbie Wasserman Schultz, once again a no-show.  So disappointing.