Teachers To Parents: Do Our Job and Shut Up

So, I was reading the Sunday newspaper the other day, and came across an interesting article.  Sorry, some explanation is probably in order.  For those of you reading this on your iPad, Nexus or Notebook, a newspaper is what Blank Reg referred to as "a non-volatile storage medium", which is to say, text and pictures on paper, no doubt a quaint concept for the virtual generation.  Blank Reg was - as middling aged Fanboys know - the Alpha Dropout of the "Blanks" from my favorite all-time late 80s TV series "Max Headroom, 20 Minutes Into The Future".  As the leader of the Blank movement, he cherished the non-electronic printed word almost as much as he did the opportunity to eradicate his profile from the dozens of databases maintained by the sundry governmental agencies, public organizations, insurance companies and ISPs (Internet Service Providers) devoted to - nay, obsessed with - the notion that they deserve to know everything about you and to monitor your activities, if not 24 by 7, then at least to the extent practicable based on available technology.

 

Anyway, the "USA Weekend" supplement featured a front page article titled "What teachers want you to know",

by "award winning" principal Eric Sheninger.  The Teaser on the front page told of  "6 important tips" for "parents........to help children succeed".  Well now, if you know OffHisMeds, you know that nothing blows up his bullshit detector faster than tips for Parents by Educators.  You might as well just publish six tips by pickpockets for the people about to get their pockets picked.

This explains why I go to such lengths explaining mundane things, such as the fact that the print version had six tips, but the online version had seven.  This little dichotomy allowed what was up until that time a pretty funny and prescient Riff to be damn funny and prescient.  The premise is simple: what is it that Eric Sheninger would say to us, if he had no filter?  I let OffHisMeds off his leash to find out:

 

"Well parents, another school year is upon us, and I thought I'd take just a moment to share with you a few tips that I know every teacher in America would like you to know.  So, without further ado, here we go:

 

1) Learn to accept that if your child fails to learn, it is your fault.  Yes, three hours of homework each night may sound onerous, but it's not if you consider that you and your child are a Team, and darn it, Teams work together!

 

2) Advocating that Education Professionals be held to any standards is hurtful, demoralizing and will lead to a "brain drain" in our schools when disillusioned Teachers leave teaching to become astronauts, rock stars, Nobel prize winning physicists or Wall Street tycoons - all the professions we gave up so that we could serve the Public.

 

3) Very little of what your children tell you about school life is true.  Remember, studies have shown that the human brain is not fully formed until age 21, so nothing they tell you can be trusted until they are no longer under our supervision.

 

4) Promoting self-esteem in schools is Job One, and Teachers don't just teach it, we live it.  We and your children are in kind of a fragile place right now, what with all the scrutiny and tests and whatnot, so tread carefully and try not to criticize us or our unions, or your children will suffer the consequences.

 

5) We're always going to need more money.  Always.  And if you don't give it to us, then you don't care about the children.

 

6) We Education Professionals are relentless in our efforts to change and update the curriculum.  And while we believe that these changes are built on scientific principles, it is certain that their implementation will take at least five years before you can judge the results - much less us - by which time we will have come up with an entirely new, different and exciting curriculum just in case the current five year reform doesn't work out.

 

7) We are underpaid, and we never tire of telling you this, nor of the infinite ways in which we sacrifice ourselves for your children.  So, in lieu of good pay, we require you to bow down before us.  Bow down before us as if we were gods.

 

OK, my bad.  The front of the magazine said there were six important tips, but I threw in a bonus tip because darn it, we care about your kids nearly as much as we care about the salary, retention bonuses, transfer bonuses, incentive bonuses, per diem, stipends, forgivable loans, COLA adjustments, merit increases, pay raises, expense reimbursement, accumulated sick days, cash-redeemable vacation days, retirement pay, fraudulently earned Social Security benefits, health care benefits and tenure that comprise the compensation package bestowed upon us for the 181 days per year that we toil on behalf of the community until we all retire at age 53.

 

It may seem like the Education profession is hostile to its customers.  But that's only true if we are judged by the same mundane standards as, say, your neighborhood tire store. 

 

We deserve better, and are very disappointed in you."