Islamic Advice Column

Dear Abdullah:

I work in an office where folks sometimes bring in birthday cakes, desserts and other goodies to share. “Dolores” is always the first in line and helps herself to a large portion of the treats and says she’s taking some home for her family. Last week, someone brought in an exotic dessert, and I got out the dessert-size paper plates. Dolores took out two regular- size paper plates and cut off a quarter of the entire dessert! No one could believe it, but we didn’t know what to say or do.

What do you recommend?

- 'DESSERTED' in Tennessee

Dear 'Desserted'

The hogging of "cakes, desserts and other goodies" leads Abdullah to observe that your friend Dolores is undoubtedly a Dirty Jew, and thus is entitled to no consideration. Determine if her family has paid in full their jizya, and if not, bury her in sand up to her neck until the proper tribute has been accorded to the state.
________________

Dear Abdullah:

My son's birthday is coming soon. I want to invite his Scout troop and some of his schoolmates. The problem is "Matt." Matt is a horrible child who is in both Scouts and school. I know he'll destroy the party, but how can I invite everyone else and not him? His parents are lazy and overindulgent and can't seem to make him understand that there are rules of conduct.

- PERPLEXED MOM IN THE WOODLANDS, TEXAS

Dear Perplexed:

Have "Matt" reported to the Directorate as a Zionist spy, and he will never bother you again.
________________

Dear Abdullah:

When I take my children to the pediatrician, we are usually there for one reason. Sometimes my child will happen to have another ailment, such as a sore ankle or a fever blister. I don’t feel comfortable bringing up additional issues with our doctor because when I do, I get the “evil eye” from him. Is it OK to talk to the doctor about several medical problems in one visit?

- IN A QUANDARY, KETTERING, OHIO

Dear Quandary:

Your Doctor is a Zionist inflitrator, and the use of the "Evil Eye" by the Jews against The Faithful is well documented in the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Be thankful he did not use the Evil Eye to kidnap your children so as to use their blood to bake Passover Matzoh. You should find a new doctor.
________________

Dear Abdullah:

Regarding your answer to "Yoo-Hoo, I'm Over Here!" (Jan. 10), who was bothered by her husband's constant leering at women, you've got to be kidding. Men have been looking at young women since the beginning of time. My husband and his friends hold "office hours" every morning at our neighborhood coffeehouse. I've told him as long as he "touches" only with his eyes, there won't be a problem.

- KEEPING IT REAL IN TAMPA

DEAR KEEPING IT REAL:

Your insolence is astounding. Surely you know that a wife is not entitled to an opinion on such matters, much less knowledge of its occurrence. Tell your husband you submitted this letter and suggest he beat you with a knotted rope for fifteen minutes.
________________

Dear Abdullah:

I am being married in August. I’m going to have my bridal portrait taken, and I need to know if I’m supposed to wear my wedding ring in the photo session or my engagement ring. Also, how soon do I need to schedule the portrait session?

- BRIDE-TO-BE, Pecos

Dear Bride-to-be:

Whore of Zion! Such grotesque vanity, not to mention immodesty. Since your portraits are to be taken in an Abaya with the hands properly covered, of what difference is it whether you wear one or both rings? You should be stoned. Immediately tell your husband-to-be so that he can cancel the engagement and recover his honor.
________________

Dear Abdullah:

I am a 76-year-old man who is romantically involved with a 65-year old lady. She knows I take Viagra. I recently had to go out of town for a week. Before I left, she demanded that I give her my bottle of Viagra. She said she would return it as soon as I got back. What I did not tell my lady friend is that I don’t always need Viagra to “perform.” Should I remain silent and let her believe that without the little blue pill I’ll be forced to remain faithful?

Honesty is the best long-term policy, but is there a limit to just “how” honest one should be?

- A VITAL MAN in Arkansas

Dear Vital:

If Abdullah understands the situation correctly, both you and your "lady" friend accept lies and infidelity as the foundation of your relationship. Your compulsion to fornicate, much less enable such behavior through the use of drugs is an affront to decency and the Koran.

Abdullah is filled with sadness because there is no hope for you or your "lady" friend. I have no advice to offer. May Allah have mercy on you both.